SACHIN aayla re..

Sadness is a cloud which has engulfed my world recently. Everything has been foggy with nothing to look forward to. To be very blunt, hopeless. But when everything is gloomy, hell let loose, evil everywhere, the horizons turned black, GOD comes to save the day. (This line was the English translation of the very famous hymn - यदा यदा हि धर्मास्या..)



And that is what happened last week.. Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar came and scored his 50th test ton. It may be just another milestone for him, but for us mortals it was like a 2nd Diwali. I am not lying when I tell you that I had taken a day off from office just to watch him play. (Though a term called "hangover" was also a reason).. As he reached his 80's, I was joined by all my roommates. It was not helping my already bad condition of High BP. But that day I dint mind a bit of adrenaline rush. He hit Harris for a 6 at 89. It was inevitable that we started dancing.. Adams was still skeptical and kept telling that "ye 99 par out na ho jae". But my heart knew that today was his day. A drive through the covers took him to the magical figure.. Our house turned into a super sound box.. There was shouting , hugging, dancing, singing and some crying. I mean I am not sure if I would be this happy even when I get a fms call or even convert it (my dream).



Such is the effect of the MASTER on our lives. With a career stretching over 20 years, he has become a part of our mundane. How can a person who can puppet the emotions of a billion people not be the GOD. I am short of words when it comes to describing SRT. As many have already said, I feel proud to be living in the era of SACHIN... I for one would certainly stop watching cricket once he goes. Just hope he wins the WC (which he fully deserves) before that.

Long live the GOD - SACHIN TENDULKAR.

Out of my mind

Days are passing as if they are in some kind of a hurry.. No fucking idea to how to slow them down.. A few days back I turned 23. It was a great feeling. But come to think of it, I feel a little low now. This period has not been too good for me.. I mean I have lost all hope.. Its like someone is sucking life from inside my body and I cant do anything about it... I have lost the freedom I had come to love, enjoy, savor all these years.. The claustrophobia is at its apex... My fingers keep trembling continuously. My mind is always wandering away to someplace else.. The place where every thing is perfect. But not to be... Strangely, I am not insomniac.. But the nightmares are a plenty now.. I see deaths, people I love being killed... Its terrifying.. But I have no control over them.. I feel so powerless right now..
I always loved being in control of things, making others do stuff my way.. I loved being a leader, a captain.. The thrill of getting appreciated for a group's good work or otherwise facing harsh criticism was the driving force of my life.. I loved the challenge, the struggle, the eulogies, the derogatory slangs... There was something new at every turn of life and that made the journey ever so smooth.
This is not the case anymore... Everything is so dull, so turtle like around me... The challenges are still there but no motivation at all.. I have lost people who I love, people who I care about.. And the sad part is that nobody can fill the voids these people have left behind...
I am out of sorts, out of my mind maybe..

kahan chali gai hai saali khushi????

I am just trying not to write another one of those depressing gloomy blogs that I have fallen into a habit of writing. Immensely difficult though. Its very simple to explain actually. A blog is my personal journal which is of course very public. The kind of person I am, its only when I am sad and feeling lonely, that I come here to write. In that state one cant expect me to fill the space with my usually Super Awesome Sense of Humor. Expecting such stuff is just asking a lot from a guy who is already preoccupied by very important stuff like Facebook and gtalk.
Its a hard life managing everything. Talking to my girl friend, knowing that I pissed her off yesterday and now I have to mend what I did. Tiring both mentally and "tongue-ly". I know when she reads this I am dead. But what the heck, I will woo her over again. Add to that the regular chatting with old friends, listen to their story, LOLing after every 3 lines, add a comment myself and then finding a way to end it. Tiring mentally (again) and physically (fingers and eyes). Now add to this the chats with GIRLS. Abso-freaking-lutely gruesome. You need some serious talent for this part and I have enough of it at my possession. For instance, I wont write "HAHAHA" when a girl tells me that she loves me. Nor would I try to run away from a girl when she has asked me to meet her up at the mall.. Guys who have done such stuff keep SEEKING SOLACE in kumar sanu songs.
So what i mean is that after exercising my brain, my body so extensively for the above mentioned activities, I by no means am in a state of writing a humorous blog or even crack a joke for that matter. These pessimistic blogs are now a part of my life (just like hearing comments on his height is a part of a close friend's life). I can just try and be more innovative in expressing my pain, my untapped temper, my frustration on being less fortunate than others as far as good luck is concerned. But again, its comparatively better than being a color blind.
On the basis of age and experience, I might be miles behind my friends, but one thing I am very sure about. I am never going to write a cheerful blog again. KAHAN CHALI GAI HAI SAALI KHUSHI????
Sad, suicidal melancholies is my taste when it comes to writing and I feel so proud in making others a part of it. Someone has stated correctly - "dukh baantnein se kam hota hai". I am just distributing my half of the dukh, in my own unique legendary way of course.

A Lost Cause - Introspection

Ever wondered why life's such a bitch??? Why is happiness so short-lived??? Why everything u love, u like is taken away from u???? Wondering all this is another of the bitch's tricks on us. Tricks that we keep getting entangled into. Finally it turns into this huge whirlpool which sucks you in, to never let go.. What is left of you is a tired, gloomy, frustrated soul that just wont fight anymore.
This maybe a negative view of life, but what the heck. Being positive, throughout my life, hasn't taken me anywhere. Rotting on the 5th floor of a building in Noida.... Or maybe I was always extra positive... You cant expect apples if u sow orange seeds... In my case, I was sowing nothing and still wanted apples which is absolutely ridiculous. Result - a beaten guy who has lost all hope of ever rising again.
In these suicidal times, i just have no idea who to trust to share with what I am going through, how badly I am suffering right now. Friends will give it a lighter touch which I don't want, family will declare an emergency which I am not ready for, others are too selfish to listen (they might get a topic to laugh about). The only solace is that I see everybody suffering, some even more than me. Human nature is to mock and find happiness in others weakness. This is a momentary relief though.
I can't live like this. I never wanted to and I never would. But the options in front of me are scarce and opportunities are running away slowly and gradually. Its high time I take control of my life. Do what I feel is right. For once not go with the flow. Change must come and come very soon.
In college, I always chuckled whenever someone told me that life is not a bed of roses. Now with thorns all over my body, even a chuckle causes bleeding. Bad days are back again.

Shimla, Diwali and the willows

I had thought of this title during my journey back to Noida. But some previous commitments (CAT) had kept me away from my blog. Finally, after a terrorizing exam and an entire day of introspection, I am here to write about my Shimla Diwali trip.
The trip had all the makings of a legendary sojourn. The news that after 3 n a half years, I was going back to shimla, was alone enough to make the anxiety glands in my body to secrete super anxious hormones. In addition to this, it was a time to meet the clg guys after so long. A cherry on the pie/cake. The journey dint start as planned. Instead of leaving on Sunday, i left on friday evening to the Dream city Chandigarh.
What followed was 2 days of HIGH action, super HIGH action. I reached solan on Sunday afternoon in a "totally screwed" state, helped Ma with the packing and by 9 in the evening we were enjoying our serene neighborhood in Shimla (Ladakhi Mohalla).
The next day I called up Anshul n Adams (others had not come yet) and a meeting was scheduled at the famous Scandal Point. Even though i talk to pommy regularly, i had no idea that I d be uber delighted. The USUAL followed. By usual i mean the gedian , the chai , the ghussi talk about any recognizable girl or for that matter any girl (91.769 % of our talks are related to girls). There was a slight difference this time around though. The places which we ignored during clg (CCD, Barista, Willows) due to major financial constraints were a common hangout places. And, being the great human beings that we are, we still visited our earlier spots (townhall stairs, chaoudhry gi ka dhaba).
The next four days were exactly the same. Everything about Shimla was the same as was 4 or 5 years back. What had changed was the people. The girls had become emo, the boys were thinner than ever and all the super hot girls who we admired during school were married now. :(
The best day was DIWALI. 8 sons of Shimla were meeting today. They were (in descending order of ages) Josh, Panta, Sirka, Ashu, Adams, Pommy, Kairo and of course me. And we had a total blast. Remembering the clg days, the annual general surveys, the dhees that some of us got in college, the trips and what not. Add to that, the Edwardian jokes. Simply mind blowing. The best part was Panta trying to impress girls half his age with his new shades. Even this effort dint stop the girls from checking out ashu and sirka.
Saying goodbye was really tough. But we have learned to live with the reality now.
For the first time in 6 years, I dint want to come back from Shimla. It was so difficult. The place is a heaven and I am proud to call it my hometown. During the journey back to Noida, my emotions kept switching from sorrow to joy. I kept smiling as I cherished the entire week i spent in shimla and cried in my heart coz it was over. To conclude as all great writers do,

The cold winds, the green panorama, the long walks on the mall, the beautiful girls, the chai at chaudhry ji's, the photo sessions on the town hall stairs, the burger at city point, the feeling of pure joy and passion.
be in the hills and u ll know,
be in shimla and u ll know
be a shimlite and u ll know...

Constant is Nothing.

Constant is Nothing. This may seem to a banal, cliched sentence, but the significance, the relevance this has in life is remarkable, to say the least.
The word Constant always reminds me of the Episode 4*05 of LOST(Undoubtedly the best TV series ever). Desmond, in his time travels, tries to find out the 1 thing, the Constant, that would help him save the Island. His sporadic search ends when he realizes that the constant in his life was the person he loved the most; his wife. I just tend to differ with this idea of your beloved being your constant. For me a person himself is the Constant in his life.
You have to fight your own wars. Bestowing faith on someone else is suicidal in this mean malign world. The person who you considered your friend today turns out to be your biggest critic tomorrow. People with the opinion that critics are your best mirrors can budge off right away. People who call themselves critics are just a bunch of pessimist losers (low-lifers) who just have to find a negative even if there is none. So, if you have a critic, even if he is your friend, he is the last person who you ever want to talk to.
Whenever I was in a turmoil, I always found solace listening to my mother's voice, her infinite love showering even through the cell phone. Add to this my fathers constant encouragement to outrun everybody in the race of life. Divine! But after all this, it comes back to me. To do everything in my capacity to keep maa happy, to never let that beautiful smile go away from her face. To do something in life to substantiate my fathers belief that his son is the best in the world. The pressure is just too much to handle sometimes. You just wish, hope against hope, that things turn out as you want them to. Impossible though.
The only possible conclusion from this shambled and chaotic writing is the spirit to fight. Fight till your critics are silenced, fight till you feel you are the happiest person on the earth, fight till you find a constant in life, fight till INFINITY.

May, 2009

As the entire world celebrated the dawn of 2009, a few of us at NITH discussed what lay ahead of us. All of us knew that after 5 months ie after May, everything was going to change. No more CS night outs, no more GDs on the most stupidest topics, no more group chatting with a single girl, no more Annual General Survey ( damn u Sirkek), no more of what we were doing at that very moment (8 guys sitting around a small bonfire behind C block, MMH with PEPSI in their hands), in short, no more of us. The PEPSI exaggerated the pain and later relieved it. We forgot of our last night antics and celebrated our 4 month last sem. Eventually the dreaded month came. During the final exams, there was a chilling silence in the entire hostel. No fear of exams though. It was the horrific thought that only 10 days are left.
The last exam ended. It was time for HHH, Devbhoomi, Shivam to earn a fortune thanks to the sale of PEPSI. That night every eye was wet, every heart cried , every hand wanting to turn back the clock. For the first time, all the optimists who keep telling "Impossible is actually I M Possible" were proven wrong.
As I sat on the green sofa in HHH having our last dinner together, my head fell down. Tears started to flow. No one seemed to notice. I wanted the bloody embarrassing water flow to stop. But they wont. I was leaving for home the next day, 1 day before most of my friends. I always hated shifting to Solan from Shimla. That night the hatred was at its summit.
The next day, when I left, it was but obvious that I dint cry. I had already emptied the tanker last night. During the journey back home, I kept hoping that the future was going to be even better. For some time, this actually happened. I met my friends often, enjoyed each others co and despite the fact that we were not living together anymore, it wasnt that bad.
1 year later. I am in Noida with one of my close friends living with me. Adams is in Gurgaon along with a few other friends. Anshul is going to Mumbai where he hopes to meet karn n saba g and also get a GF (TAMMY). Dukki is joining NIRMA. Lucky going to Varanasi. Kairo(IIFT), Panta g (Pune), Sirka (Jaipur), Luta(I have no idea where that fucker is), Akshay (Nagpur). With an exception of Convocation, I just dont see a time when we will be together again. Am I happy? NO.