Out of my mind

Days are passing as if they are in some kind of a hurry.. No fucking idea to how to slow them down.. A few days back I turned 23. It was a great feeling. But come to think of it, I feel a little low now. This period has not been too good for me.. I mean I have lost all hope.. Its like someone is sucking life from inside my body and I cant do anything about it... I have lost the freedom I had come to love, enjoy, savor all these years.. The claustrophobia is at its apex... My fingers keep trembling continuously. My mind is always wandering away to someplace else.. The place where every thing is perfect. But not to be... Strangely, I am not insomniac.. But the nightmares are a plenty now.. I see deaths, people I love being killed... Its terrifying.. But I have no control over them.. I feel so powerless right now..
I always loved being in control of things, making others do stuff my way.. I loved being a leader, a captain.. The thrill of getting appreciated for a group's good work or otherwise facing harsh criticism was the driving force of my life.. I loved the challenge, the struggle, the eulogies, the derogatory slangs... There was something new at every turn of life and that made the journey ever so smooth.
This is not the case anymore... Everything is so dull, so turtle like around me... The challenges are still there but no motivation at all.. I have lost people who I love, people who I care about.. And the sad part is that nobody can fill the voids these people have left behind...
I am out of sorts, out of my mind maybe..